My mom is 85 years old. It seems her world, the one she lives in, is quite different than the one she might have imagined for herself. She lives alone in a modest one bedroom apartment. I don't think she ever envisioned living alone, and until my dad went into the nursing home three years ago, she had never lived all by herself. She went from living with her parents to living with my dad for almost 62 years. Dad died in July of 2011, and Mom continues to live all alone.
Mom doesn't do much cooking for herself anymore. This from a woman who loves to eat and always had lots of food in the house. Many memories from childhood include mom over the stove making really good food. She welcomed friends and strangers to their home on Jefferson Place at all hours of the day or night and there was always enough food to go around. She and dad provided many a Sunday evening dinner for our family. I wouldn't feel like cooking for Mark and the kids, so we'd call them on a Sunday afternoon and drop in for a visit and a meal. Now at least once a week, mom shares a meal at our house.
About a month ago, mom decided to give up her car. I and my siblings had several conversations with her about this possibility before she actually made the decision. We reassured her that we would make sure her refrigerator was well-stocked, get her to medical appointments, and take care of her needs. She cried a few tears, but has processed the change and adapted well. Now she is completely dependent on others for transportation.
Mom uses a walker to get around her apartment building. And before the wheeled walker, she used a cane. Back in the day, Mom could run circles around most people, walking at a fast clip wherever she went. She would take my sister and I downtown shopping and we would have to almost run to keep up. Moss did not grow under mom's feet! Now she moves at a much slower pace; in social settings, she stops often to chat with a friend which ensures that we don't get anywhere fast these days.
Mom's voice is very quiet. She has a difficult time projecting her voice and in crowds of people, she is impossible to hear. Her 'low talking' is a product of her physical condition-she has osteoporosis and is quite hunched over. As a result she has no muscle support to help her project. In addition, her vocal cords are 85 years old and lack collagen. Since my mom never worked outside the home, her business was people. She spent a lot of time talking and listening to friends and people who sought her advice and counsel over the years. Now, people still seek her advice. They just have to work harder to glean her wisdom and she has to work harder to be heard.
I love my mom. I've always appreciated her presence in my life. And recently, I've tried to slow myself down in an effort to empathize with her reality. I'm 52 years old and some days, I don't think or feel much older than when I was 32. I suspect mom has similar feelings. Longing for that younger woman or that long past life doesn't bring her or it back. Remembering those times and sharing the stories helps us realize and appreciate how we got to the present; to who we are today.
I think it is important to help my mom see how really good her life is. Yes, there has been change and more often than not, change is difficult. But change is one of life's only constants. Rolling with it, embracing it, and celebrating it seem much more positive than just enduring it.
David Bowie had a little something to say about change...I always liked this song!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pl3vxEudif8
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